Sunday, January 4, 2009

Winter comes

You took the only thing from me that allowed me to clear my mind. You took the only thing that ever stopped the voices from screaming in my head non-stop. It’s like living in a machine factory and there is just a hum of white noise with faint voices in the background, and you know they are talking about you, your life, your future. Everything I do now requires thought. When I am not thinking, I am thinking about why I am not thinking. Riding up the mountain I could feel my body relax. Music played lightly in my headphones. I would sit for a second and take in the beauty of this world from my vantage point before dropping into the abyss. Then in an instant the wind would be in my face as I launched downwards. The music and my movements would be in sync. Suddenly the song would end at the very moment that I hit the fresh powder. It was like being on a cloud. Here I am……. Dropping ever more rapidly and the world is totally silent. No wind, no leaves rustling, no birds singing, no people yelling, but most importantly no thoughts. Just a clear head. I wish I could feel that again. I wish I could have my release.

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By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired. - Franz Kafka